


To Have and To Hold

by Caro (thestarsexist)



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: First Time, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-04
Updated: 2007-12-04
Packaged: 2017-10-15 01:50:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/155765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thestarsexist/pseuds/Caro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Time's leaving its mark (or it's wedding season in the Pegasus Galaxy)</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Have and To Hold

**Author's Note:**

> For the undermistletoe 2007 challenge. Thank you to cosmic for audiencing and cheering me on. scribblinlenore and celli for the thorough beta. This wasn't the story I promised them, but they were still awesome. Any remaining mistakes are mine

John's in the lab when the news first hits. He knows something is up—Simpson and Radek keep whispering and looking at McKay. Rodney, of course, is oblivious.

"Pay attention, Colonel Lightswitch," he snaps, poking at John to get his attention. "Or it's going to be like last time with the blue thing. How long did it take to get the slime out of your hair?"

John grimaces at the memory. "That wasn't my fault, McKay. You told me it was an Ancient CD player."

"Hmm," Rodney says noncommittally. He hands John something that looks like a starfish. "Try this one."

John thinks "on," but it doesn't react.

"Are you sure you're trying?" Rodney asks, and John's about to respond that _yes, he is, and if John and his genes aren't impressing Rodney he's more than happy to leave_ when Dr. Esposito strolls in and says, "Hey, did you guys hear? Katie and David are getting married."

The thing that John is holding chooses that moment to emit a loud wailing sound before erupting into sparks causing John to throw it across the room where it explodes in a small poof of black smoke.

"Huh." Rodney comments, looking at the still somewhat smoking device. "Must be broken."

John looks at him incredulously. "No kidding."

***

Katie Brown and Rodney dated for approximately a year and three months. John spent much of that time pretending that it wasn't real, and waiting for Rodney to screw it up, because he inevitably would. Still, when they finally did break up, and Rodney's face looked tight around the eyes, John felt something low and treacherous uncurl in his stomach. It made him feel like an asshole to know that at least one part of that was relief.

***

A week later, John's in the mess when Rodney starts yelling at Corporal Stevens, who's in charge of the lunch menu.

"So unless you think anaphylaxis is funny, and I promise you it won't be funny, say, the next time Atlantis needs my brand of genius to—" McKay is saying to the increasingly nervous looking Marine when John walks up behind him, clapping his hand down on one shoulder.

"Hey, Rodney. Making friends?" he asks casually, but the Marine immediately tenses up, shifts to attention.

Rodney just rolls his eyes. "I was explaining to the Corporal here just how nasty anaphylactic shock can be in the hopes that, maybe then he'll take a little more care in properly labeling the food, so that anyone with a deadly allergy—"

"And I'm sure the Corporal is grateful for the reminder, McKay, but we're holding up the food line," John says, steering Rodney away. "Look, chocolate pudding. There's no lemon in this one." He grabs two and puts them on Rodney's tray.

Rodney looks down and then back up at John, sighs, and says, "You know, I'm not hungry after all." He thrusts the tray into John's hands and walks out of the mess. John stares after him, then shrugs and turns back to the table where Ronon and Teyla are waiting for him.

"That was unpleasant," Teyla remarks, as John slides into his seat.

"Well, you know McKay," John drawls, "lives to make things more exciting."

Ronon snorts. "He keeps that up, and he'll have them poisoning his food."

Teyla frowns at both of them. "It has been worse lately. John, you should talk to him."

"And say what?"

"He has to be hurting. After all, it wasn't that long ago that he and Katie were together. And for her not only to find someone so quickly, but to..."

John grimaces. Katie Brown's upcoming nuptials remain a hot topic on Atlantis. Weddings, on the whole, are still fairly rare; there have been only a couple since the expedition started. Then, there's the whole Rodney factor. Even though they masquerade as smart, fully realized adults, the truth is that Atlantis is a den of vipers when it comes to gossip. And Rodney, Katie, and Dr. David Stern, who arrived on the Dedalus three months ago and swept Katie Brown off her feet, are the current subjects of much speculation. John has heard the talk himself, comments about _poor Doctor McKay, but David and Katie are really better suited for each other._ It's been hard enough for John to keep his mouth shut, so he doesn't even know how Rodney is dealing with it. He just knows he's not going to ask.

"Seriously, Teyla, I'm not the person to talk to Rodney. You should. Or better yet, no one should. The guy will get over it."

Teyla gives him that look, the one that suggests that while she would never say it occasionally she does think he's a moron. "You think that's the wisest course of action?"

"I do. Seriously. Right now, the best thing to keep Rodney occupied is work. We'll just concentrate on that."

***

John had attempted to talk to Rodney earlier in the week while they were exploring the third sub level. It went something like this.

"So, McKay, how are things?"

"Things?" Rodney echoed, while poking at his handheld. "Zelenka, are you sure you loaded the correct schematics in this thing?"

"You know, just wondering how you are. You sleeping enough?"

"Am I sleeping—" Rodney glanced up at that, shooting him an exasperated look before storming off to find Zelenka, shouting, "Seriously, Radek. Are you sure you can read English?"

John hasn't tried again since then.

***

John really does believe that the best thing to get Rodney's mind off the upcoming wedding is work. That's why it sorta sucks that the very next time they go into the field they end up dropping in on the middle of a wedding ceremony. Luckily, the Chief of the village on N30-L28 is very understanding and from the "more the merrier" school of thought, so rather than giving them a lecture from Emily Post's book on wedding etiquette, only with more weapons involved, they're invited to join the celebration. Before John knows it, they're all lifting up goblets of ale, toasting to the happy couple.

The celebration, as far as it goes, is nice. Lots of food. Music. Dancing. There are even a couple of women giving John glances, trying to lure him out to the dance floor, but instead he opts to stay on the sidelines, watching as Rodney tries unsuccessfully to dodge the little group of children that have attached themselves to him. One of them, a little blond girl about seven maybe, pouts, and Rodney throws his arms in the air in an expression of frustration before bending down to pick her up and take her to the dance floor. John grins at the picture, Rodney dancing poorly with the little girl, looking like he's having some fun despite the complaining. John is just about to turn to Ronon and comment that this is shaping up to be a nice day when they hear it, the whine of darts.

All at once, the party turns to chaos, everyone running off in different directions.

"McKay," he shouts, desperate not to lose Rodney in the melee, but luckily, Rodney is aware of protocol in a situation like this. He's running towards John, the little girl still in his arms, and they all hurry towards the cloaked puddlejumper. Alvarez, the temporary replacement on the team since Teyla's pregnancy had her sitting out field missions, herds villagers towards the puddlejumper as well, while Ronon tries to take down as many darts as he can covering their six. By the time they get inside, it seems like the Wraith darts are already retreating back through the Stargate.

The next few hours are cleanup. The Wraith darts don't return; John surmises that it was just a quick refueling stop, and the fact that he can think like that makes him sick to his stomach. The worst is when they find the bride, crouching under a large bush, her wedding robes torn and dirty. They don't find the groom.

They return to Atlantis that night, quiet and solemn, and when Rodney walks out of the infirmary after the post-mission physical, his shoulders are slightly stooped, like they carry the weight of the world. John aches with wanting to touch and ease and fix, but helplessness keeps him rooted.

***

Rodney invited Katie to team night once.

They were watching a movie—John can't remember what now—but he remembers watching Rodney escort Katie in, Katie asking them demurely if it was okay if she joined. They said "sure," and "it was fine," and they were "happy to have her," but John had felt the wrongness of it, the way everything was slightly tilted on its axis. He didn't relax the entire night, too aware of Rodney sitting next to Katie, the way his hands would brush against hers when they reached for popcorn together, Rodney whispering little comments in her ear, and the way she smiled, warm and affectionate at Rodney. John had the startling realization that this was how it would always be from now on. The thought unsettled him, and he found himself jumping to his feet, making an excuse and running out of the room, ignoring the way Rodney's eyes watched his every movement.

***

On Z83-SR1, Lorne's team gets thrown in prison. It starts out well enough. They apparently arrive right during the _Kalava_ harvest, make friendly with the locals who call themselves the Katerians, even offer to help out a bit in return for some grain, etcetera. Then it takes a bad turn when the Prime Minister's daughter decides that she likes Lorne and wants him as part of the bargain. They try to say, "no thanks, we just want to be friends," but apparently, whatever princess wants, princess gets.

The mission ends with John's team coming in to rescue them. They're able to neutralize the Katerians fairly quickly, and overall, it's an easy operation, with no casualties on either side, except maybe the Prime Minister's pride. His daughter wails as they're escorted out, shouting indignities at her father for letting her fianc escape.

"I dont know, Lorne. You're sure you're not ready to settle down?" John asks, handing him his P-90.

"Too young to be tied to one woman, sir," Lorne quips back.

"Don't know. Girl like that, have a feeling she would've sucked the years right out of you," Ronon says, and they all shudder as they watch her throw a tantrum that would do any two-year-old proud.

***

"I don't know why I have to be here," Rodney says, for the third time in an hour.

"Because," John smacks him upside the head as he carries another decorative urn into the room, "Teyla asked, and you said you'd help."

"Yes, but I meant in other ways. Ways that don't involve me lifting big heavy things."

"I don't see you lifting anything," Ronon comments. He's carrying a large wooden chest. "In fact, all I see you doing is complaining."

"Ha. Ha." Rodney scowls, but he does pick up one of the boxes, so that's progress.

They've spent the afternoon helping Teyla move into one of the larger apartment-style quarters in the east wing. Now that the baby's coming, she needs more room, and it still boggles his mind every time he thinks about it. Teyla's having a _baby_.

"It's odd, isn't it?" Rodney pipes up behind him.

"Hmm?"

"The whole baby thing. Teyla. I mean, it's very, very good. But still odd."

"I know what you mean," John says. It is odd, all the changes in Atlantis, the way time was slowly leaving its mark. There are days he still expects to see Elizabeth when he walks into her office, to see Carson at the daily senior staff meeting. He still looks surprised at the unfamiliar faces in the hallways, the people he doesn't know, hasn't fought side by side with. It leaves him feeling a little edgy, a little uncertain, but he shakes those thoughts out of his head and concentrates on the present. Three more boxes. How much stuff did Teyla have anyway?

***

They're stuck on 2L3-4XU for four days helping negotiate a marriage contract. The Cerrains are trying to form an alliance with the Jaerans, and as tradition dictates, the alliance will be officially sealed with a marriage between the two tribes. Arranged marriage, it isn't so much John's thing, but the Lanteans had gotten wind that there was indigenous naquadah on the Cerrain planet. Sam decided that they could spare some of the diplomats to help negotiate the trade.

John spends his time between the negotiating hall and the kitchens. There's no real concern about the Cerrains being a threat; they've proven friendly on prior occasions, and they make the best pastry, something light and flaky filled with a custard pudding that the cooks are always pleased to make more of for John's team.

This morning, the pastry is accompanied by a stout tea that they all consume for breakfast while listening to stories from Gareth, the young schoolteacher who has been keeping them company. Gareth is especially fascinated by Rodney, claiming that he's never met a person who knows as much as Rodney does, and Rodney's always happy to talk to people who appreciate his brilliance. Halfway through breakfast comes word that the negotiations are finished, and that the wedding will take place this afternoon at lunch.

"Kinda soon, isn't it?" John says, before noticing that Gareth's face has completely lost color. "You okay there, Gareth?"

"I am well," Gareth says, obviously lying. "I—I must go. I am needed elsewhere."

"That was strange," Rodney comments, watching Gareth's back.

"Don't blame him for being upset," Ronon says. "He likes the girl."

"Girl, what girl?"

"Eleria?" John asks. She's the daughter of the leader of the Cerrains, the one who's being promised in marriage to seal the alliance.

Ronon nods in response, his mouth full of pastry.

"How do you know?" Rodney asks.

Ronon swallows, takes a swig of tea and points out, "He's been talking about her the whole time." It was true. Gareth's history on Cerrain had included chapter and verse on Eleria's life, something John had assumed at the time was just admiration for the brave daughter of a leader, but looking back, he could see it was more than that. "Now he has to watch her marry someone else."

"Oh," Rodney says, a small sad sound that makes John's heart seize in his chest, and he's overwhelmed by an irrational hatred for Katie Brown for being someone Rodney cares about. He wants to say something, something to make it better, but words have never been his strong suit, and Ronon's not any better at it. So John just pushes the basket with the last pastry towards Rodney and watches him pick at it forlornly.

Hours later, as they enter the main hall for the wedding banquet, he spies Rodney in a corner talking with Gareth. Curious, he approaches and hears Rodney say, "She deserves to know. You have to be brave; if you can't, she's better off without you." John lifts his eyebrow in surprise, because Rodney giving love advice, what the hell? But Gareth's face firms with resolve, and he squeezes Rodney's shoulder, and says, "I will. I will."

There is no alliance that day. The wedding banquet is interrupted by Gareth's objection, and while the Cerrain leader looks less than happy, his daughter beams with happiness as she falls into Gareth's arms.

When the ceremony continues with the correct couple this time, John watches silently, and if his shoulder presses against Rodney's and Rodney's presses against his, neither of them mentions it.

***

The scientists throw Dr. Stern an impromptu bachelor party. Rodney surprises John by deciding to attend. John's not sure if it's pride or determination or just plain old-fashioned masochism that drives Rodney, but he knows he's not letting him do it alone. So they both go.

The party's held in one of the newly uncovered labs in the east wing. The alcohol is flowing freely by the time they get there. In the background, he can see they've already broken out the porn, something classic and sleazy, women with improbable boobs.

The room falls silent when McKay enters, a few surprised glances in his direction, but Dr. Stern, who really is a nice guy even if John kinda wants to hate him, comes forward and greets them. "Doctor McKay. Colonel Sheppard. So good of you to come. Please have something to drink."

They both say "thank you" and "congratulations" and accept the drinks being pressed into their hands before slinking off to one corner of the room.

"So...this is nice," John says lamely.

"Shut up," Rodney says. He throws back beer like it's water. John sighs and takes a sip of his own drink. It's going to be a long night.

***

Rodney kissed him once, on G2X-567. They were helping the Martosians celebrate an anniversary, a year since they'd found this new place to call home, and they were all having a good time, laughing and celebrating. Rodney had turned to him, cheeks flushed from too much wine and a wide grin on his face. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to John's.

The next day he didn't remember the kiss, and John never reminded him. The guy was drunk, and he and Katie had just broken up. John wasn't going to take advantage.

***

Rodney's pretty drunk by the time John drags him out of the party. He stumbles a bit, and John puts his arm around his waist to keep him from falling as they walk back to Rodney's room. At the door, he waves his hand over the entry system and helps Rodney inside, letting him collapse on the bed.

"You'll be a mess tomorrow," John says, bending down to remove Rodney's shoes and his socks.

"I'll be fine," Rodney slurs into his pillow.

"Uh huh." John goes into the bathroom to fetch a glass of water and grabs some aspirin from the medicine cabinet. When he comes back, Rodney's lying on his back, looking up at him.

John places the glass of water and aspirin on the bedside table.

"You don't have to be so nice to me," Rodney says.

John pauses and then brushes his hand over Rodney's forehead. "I'm not nice."

"You've been trying. You don't have to worry."

"Just looking out for my teammate—"

"I broke up with Katie."

"—making sure you don't— what?"

"I broke up with her. Not the other way around. I know you all think that she..."

"Why?"

"I wasn't going to marry her." He tries to shrug but seems to give up partway. "I wasn't going to marry her. It didn't seem fair. She deserved better."

"You seemed to like her a lot."

"I did." Rodney says and turns over to press his face into his pillow. John hears a muffled, "I wanted to be brave," but before he can figure out what that means, Rodney falls asleep.

John watches him for a long time feeling like he's missing something.

***

The residents of M3C-LL1 turn out to be Wraith worshippers, something they don't find out until it's too late and someone's holding a knife to Rodney's throat.

"I can take them," Ronon says.

"Drop your weapons or your friend dies," says the woman holding Rodney hostage, and her eyes tell John that she means business. They're outmanned five times over, and Alvarez is on the ground behind them, entirely too still. Even if Ronon could take them, John knows the risk is much too high.

"Drop it," he orders Ronon. Ronon growls but does as he's told. Next thing John knows, they're both being shot by an energy pulse, and everything fades to black.

When he comes to, Rodney's face is the first thing he sees.

"Oh, thank god," Rodney mutters, helping him sit up.

"Ronon?" he asks.

"They took him elsewhere." Rodney's eyes are wild. "I couldn't stop them."

John groans, feeling his muscles come back to life. "Am I wrong, or did they have Wraith stunners?" he asks, remembering the weapons they pulled out.

"No, you're not wrong at all. They had stunners, and I don't know where they got them unless the Wraith are now arming their followers."

"Fantastic." John's more or less feeling like himself now, though trapped and aching. He's not bleeding, and he's still alive, and Rodney is too. He looks Rodney over quickly. "Did they hurt you?

"I'm fine, I'm fine," Rodney says, brushing aside John's questing hands. "You're the one who's been unconscious for an hour."

"Have they said—" he starts, but that's when their captors walk in and haul Rodney to his feet.

"It's time," they say, tying Rodney's hands behind him.

"Time for what?" John asks, scrambling to his feet, only to be knocked down by a guard who's pointing a stunner at him.

"The wedding feast," one of them answers. "Your friend has received a great honor. He will be the symbol of our union with our lords. His blood will consummate the ceremony."

"Sheppard!" Rodney squeaks, struggling in their hold.

Great, just fucking great, John thinks. Just their luck, it was wedding season in Pegasus.

"We'd rather pass on the great honor," he drawls, getting back to his feet. "Though if you let us know where you're registered, we'll be sure to pick you up something nice." They knock him down again, and the crunching sound tells him that his nose is broken. "Ow, fuck."

"John," Rodney gasps. "Stop hurting him."

John crawls onto his hands and knees. "Look, seriously. I've been to better receptions," he manages to get out before someone kicks him. More blows come from every direction.

"Stop! Stop!" Rodney shouts, "Damn it, John, just stay down. I'll go. I'll go. Just stop hurting him."

"No, Rodney," John mumbles and doesn't even have time to look up before another fist hits his face. Then all he hears is the sound of them dragging Rodney away and the door to the cell clanging shut.

"No!" he screams, throwing himself at the door. "Come on, take me! Take me instead." He shouts for what feels like hours, but no one comes. Outside, it seems still and silent, like what just happened was a bad dream. John's gut churns imagining what's happening to Rodney, to Ronon. He's so far gone with grief that at first when he hears the gunshots, he doesn't even realize they're real. It's only when the cell door opens and Lorne's peering down at him that he registers what's happening.

"Rodney?" he manages to choke out.

"Got him, sir," Lorne says, looping his arm under John's shoulder, "Now what say we leave this place?"

"Sure," John agrees. "Terrible party."

***

He doesn't know how long he's been out, but when he comes to, the lights are low and Rodney's asleep with his head on the foot of the bed.

"Rodney," he rasps, and his throat feels worn.

"Hm?" Rodney says, before jerking awake and glancing up at John. "Oh, oh, hi. Water?" He reaches over for the cup with the straw that's on the table beside the bed and lifts it to John's mouth. John takes a sip, feeling the coolness numb his raw throat.

"You okay?" he asks when he's done drinking.

"Hmm. Yeah. Better than you anyway. Ronon's okay, too. They didn't hurt me—I guess a broken present was considered rude or something. And Lorne's team got there before the whole consummating with my blood thing, which I'm eternally grateful for."

Me too, John thinks, but doesn't say it out loud. Instead he tells Rodney, "You shouldn't have gone with them."

"They were beating you to death. What did you want me to do?" he whispers angrily, his cheeks flushing. Then he lets out a breath and reaches forward to squeeze John's hand. "Besides, you couldn't save me if you were dead."

"I didn't save you," John says. "Lorne did."

Rodney smiles at that, a smile full of warmth and affection, and it makes John's breath catch, because God, he hadn't _known_. "That's okay," Rodney says. "You can do it next time."

"Rodney," he whispers.

"Go to sleep, John." Rodney squeezes his hand once more before leaving.

***  
One time he'd been working out with Sam in the gym when Katie Brown and a couple of her friends came in.

"Isn't that McKay's girlfriend?" Sam asked, and John nodded.

"Huh. She must be something."

"Oh?" John raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah," Sam said. "It's just— Rodney doesn't seem like the same guy anymore. It's nice. Refreshing."

John nodded and agreed, but the next time he hung out with Rodney, he watched him carefully, trying to pinpoint all the changes.

***

John's released on the morning of Katie Brown's wedding. He leaves the infirmary, goes to his room, changes clothes, and heads over to Rodney's.

"Colonel," Rodney greets him with a huge grin, opening the door. "You're looking better."

"Thanks," John says, pushing past him to enter the room.

"Did you need something?" Rodney asks, letting the door shut behind him.

"Why did you break up with Katie Brown?"

"What?"

"Why did you break up with Katie?"

"I don't think we need to talk about this."

"I think we do. I think we should have a long time ago."

Rodney chuckles a little at that, his face going blank. John frowns, confused. He walks forward until he's in Rodney's personal space, brings one hand up to cup Rodney's jaw.

"What's funny?"

"You didn't—before. Figured you'd say something. And I. I mean, I'm grateful you didn't stop being friends but. You didn't. Want to."

"What didn't I want?"

"I tried," Rodney insists. "I kissed you. At the festival."

John swallows. "I didn't think you remembered."

"I did. You pretended not to the next day." Rodney won't meet his eyes. "I—I got the message."

John breathes sharply and shakes his head. "No, Rodney, no, you didn't." He grazes Rodney's temple with his lips.

"What?" Rodney jerks up to look at John, and John pulls him forward, presses his lips to Rodney's. Rodney kisses him back for a second, before pushing him away. "John?"

"I didn't know. I thought—I'm not brave when it comes to. I didn't know I could." _Have you_. "You really liked Katie."

"I did," Rodney agrees, nodding his head, and then he cups John's neck, pulling him forward. "Just not enough."

"Rodney," John moans, a little brokenly, and Rodney, thank goodness, kisses him and kisses him, and kisses him, letting John apologize in ways he doesn't have the words for.

***

"You doing okay, buddy?" John asks, joining Rodney by the buffet table.

Rodney tugs at his necktie, scowling. "These things were made by devil, I swear. And I'm fine. You don't have to keep asking."

"Was a nice ceremony."

"Better than some of the recent ones we attended."

Music starts up from somewhere, and John and Rodney turn to watch David and Katie share the first dance.

"She looks happy," Rodney comments. John listens carefully, but if there's anything in his tone other than happiness for a friend, he can't hear it. The wedding's crowded enough, and no one's really paying attention to them, so John takes the chance, reaches his hand out and intertwines his fingers with Rodney. Rodney looks up at him, a small grin lighting his face.

"You look happy," John says.

"I am," Rodney replies.

(end)


End file.
